When my boyfriend was all, “Craig, do you want to come live with me in England whilst I finish studying at University?” I was all like, “TOTALLY! It’ll be cute. I’ll bake pies every single day and we’ll stay up all night watching movies”. You’d think, right? Wrong. WRONG, OH YE SILLY READER.
This house is a standing bricks ‘n’ mortar testament for my dedication to that fiancé of mine. Because of it’s not the random patches of black mould growing on the walls, it’s the fact that absolutely no heat retains in the bedroom during the night, meaning that I awake most mornings to find my testicles frozen to my inner thigh. But, gotta say, the absolute, defining testament to this relationship, is the fact that I’m having to share my bathroom with two other boys.
And one of them is a HETEROSEXUAL.
Don’t worry, he hasn’t infected me or anything.
Some notes on my little ’situation’:
1) Pubic hairs on the toilet seat, really? REALLY?
2) Who the fuck is eating toilet paper? We had eight rolls one night. The next, four. Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. It’s a little obvious when your bedroom reeks of salt and egg.
Sidenote:
3) Peeing into the toilet bowl? Ten points! Peeing on the seat? Minus ten! Peeing all over the floor? MINUS TEN THOUSAND.
4) I’ve discovered that you should always try to establish an understanding of your own rectum and what it’s trying to produce. For, many a time, have I gone to the bathroom, mistaking it’s intentions, attempting to relieve myself, and instead, farted into the toilet bowl, loudly, forcing it to violently echo around the entire house. Funny for some, but not for I.
5) Don’t doubt that there will always come a week-and-a-half mark in which the bathmat becomes soggy (read: permanently moist), but you’ll only think to remember when you’re stepping out of the shower and your foot is hovering nano-inches over it.
And, perhaps, most crucial..
6) Having to dash. Half naked. Across the house. Soaking wet. Gripping onto nothing more than a towel and a tub of moisturiser.
Tough times. Roll on May.
POGO - GO OUT AND LOVE SOMEONE 